Kalyani Pardeshi is the author of Unbullied!: 14 techniques to silence the critics – Externally and Internally. Born in Zambia, she moved to Apartheid South Africa when she was ten years old. She currently lives in Canada with her husband and 2 children After meeting Kalyani and reading her book, I wanted to go back in time and be the person that stood up for her. And then, I asked myself, at that young age would I have had the courage? I guess I will never know for sure; however, what I can do is help Kalyani spread her message and awareness today by telling her story.
To Learn More About Kalyani:
Facebook Page "Kalyani Speaks": https://www.facebook.com/kalyanispeaks/
Facebook Page "Kalyani Pardeshi": https://www.facebook.com/kalyani.pardeshi
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kalyani-pardeshi/
To Purchase Kalyani's Book:
https://www.amazon.com/Unbullied-techniques-silence-Externally-Internally/dp/1079160361
To Interview Kalyani or Book Her for Your Next Event:
kalyani.pardeshi@gmail.com
Marie Sola: Hi everyone. Welcome to the daughters of change podcast. This week's podcast is about Kelly , an amazing young woman and the author of unbelief, 14 techniques to silence the critics externally and internally. Her story of being bullied as a young girl and how she's using her experiences to help others in a concrete and constructive way.
[00:00:29] Kalyani lives in Canada with her husband and two children. She holds degrees in accounting, financial management, and has her CGMA designation from the UK and her CPA in Canada.
[00:00:44] Kalyani Pardeshi: I was born in Zambia, which is in central Africa, and then I moved to a party in South Africa when I was 10 years old. And I clearly remember when moving my parents said to me.
[00:00:58] That you don't have the right skin color for your voice to match her. So whatever's happening, just keep a low profile and do what you're told.
[00:01:07] Marie Sola: And Kelly Yonnie's words, wherever I went, bullying seemed to follow me, whether at school, work, or even family, I could never seem to find any kind of escape. I decided to turn my struggle into strategy to combat bullying in any form, in any place, in order to spare others from having my experience.
[00:01:28] I not only overcame the bullying. And the emotional scars left by it. I also thrived despite it because of the unique skills I developed. Kelly book on bullied 14 techniques to silence the critics externally and internally is a relatable, honest story of her own experience with bullying and how this made her feel as young girl compiled along with her story.
[00:01:55] Are helpful tips, actionable techniques and exercises to overcome the situation and learn how to love and accept yourself. I was impressed by the beauty and simplicity of how Kehlani related these tips and techniques. If I were a young person being bullied and read this book, I would feel hopeful and inspired.
[00:02:16] If I were the parent of a child being bullied, I would feel like there were things I could do to help my child and have a better understanding of how my child was feeling. It's a treasure trove of information for teachers as well. I wished this book had been available when my kids were young.
[00:02:32] Kalyani Pardeshi: The aspect of bullying that I exclusively work on is number one, healing from bullying.
[00:02:37] Number two, effective communication when it comes to facing bullying and how you get. Answers and workable positive solutions.
[00:02:46] Marie Sola: Many years after going through bullying Kellyanne, he started a strength training business at home as part of her mental and physical wellbeing. Her story was featured on many popular social media platforms and she trained close to 1500 women around the globe on healthy lifestyles and to believe in themselves.
[00:03:06] She walked away from all of this to write her book. I asked her what the catalyst was that caused her to embark on this journey.
[00:03:14] Kalyani Pardeshi: In 2018 I had attended an workshop at my kid's alimentary school, and I was just curious. I was volunteering there as a parent volunteer, and I was just curious. To see if these anti-bullying techniques that were taught in this day and age could have been applied to what I went through years ago.
[00:03:35] The techniques Todd was things I honestly, you know, I'm not saying they're not effective, it's just they only work momentarily. Because it requires a lot of self awareness, which as adults is hard enough. I can't imagine asking kids to be present in the moment. So what ended up happening is a week after this workshop, the kids were bullying again in school.
[00:03:56] So my daughter came up to me and she said to me. Mum, what's the point of all these workshops? If the kids are just going to go back to bullying, what can we do differently?
[00:04:08] Marie Sola: I was curious as to whether writing this book had been cathartic and healing for Kelly Yanni.
[00:04:14] Kalyani Pardeshi: I cried a lot while writing it, and I truly believe it helped me believe a lot of emotions.
[00:04:21] I felt sorry for the child who suffered, but I also realized that when we go through trauma, we never really get over it. What actually happens is we get. Better at handling that emotional trauma. It's like a video game. You go to the next level, your your up level, your ability to handle that trauma, you handle it in a more healthy way.
[00:04:45] So I feel, you know, sorry for the child for what I went through, but at the same time I realized that if I did not go through that, I probably wouldn't be who I am today and I probably wouldn't have been able to write this book. As intensely as I did with the emotions that I describe in there.
[00:05:05] Marie Sola: Kellyanne is self-realization that while traumatic at the time her experience has made her stronger and able to do the work, she does mirrors the sentiments of many of the daughters of change I talk with who are blazing trails and creating solutions based on what they've been through.
[00:05:23] Another similarity is the refusal to live in denial, to move forward towards acceptance and the realization that when others harm you, it's not because of anything you've done.
[00:05:34] Kalyani Pardeshi: When you start accepting that there is nothing wrong with you and you went through this because there was something wrong with the other person, then you're in a better position to start healing.
[00:05:44] When you're in denial for what happened, then you just bucking those feelings up and they surface in other areas and other relationships. You get triggered by the way someone says something and someone cheeses you. I noticed that I, you know, if someone. I tell my kids this, don't pull pranks on me. I don't like it, and I've told them specifically why I don't like it.
[00:06:02] It reminds me of the bullying for me, jokes and meant to be laughed at, not people. So that is how I feel. Writing this book helped me as I came more into acceptance of what I went through. And I realized that it really wasn't my fault.
[00:06:17] Marie Sola: Kelly, he shares these pearls of wisdom with her children as well.
[00:06:21] Kalyani Pardeshi: When my children are going through something, one of the things I always say, okay, this is what is happening. What are you going to do about it? Because once you come to a place where you accept what's happened, it allows you to heal. But if you're in denial for what you went through, which I really was for many, many years.
[00:06:39] Because bullying has a stigma associated with it, that we feel there's something wrong with us, and that is why we're targeted by the belief and we don't want to accept that there's something wrong with us. Until we flip that, that whole image upside down and say, well. You know, there's nothing wrong with me.
[00:06:58] There's something wrong with the other person because they feel it is okay to bring another person down. You cannot use another person as a stepping stool to move up in the world. It doesn't work that way.
[00:07:09] Marie Sola: When I first met Kelly Yanni over zoom, I was immediately struck by her guilelessness. My first thought was, how could anyone bully such a lovely young woman?
[00:07:20] And then it struck me, perhaps her innocence. Sense of self and the belief that everyone was as good as she was is exactly what made her a target.
[00:07:31] Kalyani Pardeshi: I had been in boarding school for a couple of weeks. It couldn't have been longer than two weeks, and it started with name calling. Um, my parents weren't very affluent, both of them in the teaching profession, and we were put in this expensive boarding school, which costs literally in those days, thousands of dollars.
[00:07:51] And they went without so that we could have, so one of the things they did, and I completely understand why they did it, is they bought me clothes that were two to three sizes larger so that I didn't outgrow it quickly. You know, you save money this way. So the name calling started with the way I used to dress and then it went onto the fact that I always spoke my truth.
[00:08:15] I was not afraid to say how I felt
[00:08:19] Marie Sola: at that age. Even with a strong sense of self, the urge to fit in and not be different can be overwhelming. Something we often forget about as we get older and endeavor to stand out from the crowd. As I delved further into story, I wondered if she had ever had the desire to change herself because of what the other kids were saying about her.
[00:08:43] Kalyani Pardeshi: Funny enough, I never wanted to change. I think I've always been accepting of who I am from a very young age. I just wanted to be accepted by others around me without changing who I was. I realized that I don't fit in with certain people because. They don't resonate with me. And now as an adult, I realized that they're not my people.
[00:09:06] You know, they don't my people. So you know, I never, ever felt that desire that I want to be like the people around me so that they'll accept me. Because it boils down to the fact that, well, it means that they cannot accept me as I am. So obviously there's something wrong with them. A conversation I have with my daughter all the time, and she also feels with certain friends of her, she doesn't fit in because it's junior high.
[00:09:32] Everyone wants to be cool and all of that, and she sees it and says, I don't like it. I said, it doesn't resonate with you because you're not going to do that because it will make you feel uncomfortable. I knew that if I tried to be like everyone around me. Picking on other people, making fun of other people.
[00:09:50] It wouldn't resonate with me. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to live with myself because I've always tried to be kind and respectful. It would have just gone against everything I believe.
[00:10:03] Marie Sola: The bullying got out of hand and Kelly Yani winter teachers to tell them what she was experiencing.
[00:10:09] She was told to suck it up. Kids will be kids and no punishment was doled out to her tormentors imagining how truly alone she must have felt. At that point, my heart went out to the young girl who had been brave enough to ask for help and was let down by the very adults who are entrusted with her care.
[00:10:29] Kellyanne, he shared how she felt after being shut down by her teachers.
[00:10:33] Kalyani Pardeshi: I felt pretty lonely and I started talking less and less to the teachers because I knew their standard answer. Nobody really wants to get involved.
[00:10:43] Marie Sola: I wondered if she regretted having told her teachers after this happened and if looking back at things at this juncture in her life.
[00:10:50] If she would have done things differently.
[00:10:53] Kalyani Pardeshi: You always think an adult is a go to person, someone that you can trust and rely on. So when they downplayed what I was going through, I started wondering, am I really just making a big issue out of this? It really did make me question myself that should I just shut up and put up?
[00:11:08] Is that what it is? I know that if I had been more persistent. Inexplicably and more clear in my communication with my teachers, maybe things would have been different. But with the way they just shot me down and they downplayed everything and kind of told me, you know, this is kind of like how you grow up, you know, it is, you know, building camaraderie and that it just.
[00:11:32] It just didn't resonate with me and I felt, you know, I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall here. I'm not going to get through to these people. So the minute I had that, no, it's not that serious. It just discouraged me from talking any further. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and confront them now with the knowledge that I do have and see how it would be different.
[00:11:52] Um, persistence, you know, persistence and clear communication, which I did. No. At that time,
[00:11:59] Marie Sola: based on what happened to Kelly, Ronnie, when she turned to adults for help and with what she's learned since I asked her to share some pointers and advice for parents or teachers who are approached by their child or a student who's telling them that they're being bullied.
[00:12:15] Kalyani Pardeshi: Validate how they feel. You are not in their shoes. You don't know what it feels like, but the most important thing that they need to know is that it's okay for you to come to me and talk to me about this. How can I help you? You know? Another thing also is. Effective communication. So one of the things I have included in my book is Metro templates for children to use to talk about their feelings.
[00:12:43] They may not necessarily have the emotional maturity to have the words to describe what they're going through and to be able to put it in, especially when you're dealing with emotional trauma like that. You don't have the, um. Sound mind or the, you know, the calm disposition to be able to sit down and say what you want to say.
[00:13:02] So I've taken away that obstacle for them as like, this is what you say, this is how you say it. Because once you can sit down and explain that this is what. I see. And I want this to change. This is how it makes me feel. How can you help me be specific? So it's both sides. When the, when a parent or a teacher hears it, do not brush it off please.
[00:13:26] And I'll brush it off by the date as like, okay, you know what? I can understand how that makes you feel. Let's sit and talk about it. Let them vent. Don't start blurting out solutions. Let them get it all out of this system. You know, like I say, let them have the verbal diarrhea because that is honestly half the problem solved right there because they just need to off load.
[00:13:48] Give them that safe space to offload and then brainstorm solutions that way. Both of you agree on and then start an action plan on these solutions.
[00:14:00] Marie Sola: In her book, Kelly Yanni also offers some sound advice to young people being bullied on how to effectively communicate to adults their need for help and support.
[00:14:11] Kalyani Pardeshi: Somebody is going through what are they going through and they've made you the target of their hurt. Anger and pain. So accept number one, what is happening? Number two, write down what you want to say. I have that in my book because I know when you start talking about the hurt, the tears and the snotty take over, and then you'll gasping for air and then you totally forgetting what you want to say.
[00:14:40] You take that sip of water and you've lost your train of thought. Write down step by step what you want to say. What happened to you? When did it start? Where did it happen? Who was around watching you? All of that. Write it down. Write down dates. If you remember them. Write down times if you remember them.
[00:14:58] Write everything down and then go speak to the adults and say, look, I have this. I need to talk to you. That's where your confidence comes from. When you write things down, it just gives you the sense of calm. It gives you the sense of confidence, and then it'll give you the courage that you need to speak your truth and ask the help.
[00:15:20] The most important thing to say at the end is, what are you going to do to help me? Don't say your piece and then walk away. Ask, what are you going to do to help me? Can we come up with a workable solution? Can we write it down and agree on it that this is what we're going to do? This is what we didn't do, and then we're going to try this.
[00:15:44] Because when you do it in a more formal way that way. You'll find the adults and the teachers will take you serious. To me, if we start developing strategies like this at a very young age with this, she spills over into every other area of your life.
[00:15:59] Marie Sola: Thinking back to my youth and teen years and more recently to parenting my own tweens and teens are recalled.
[00:16:05] The desire to start pulling away from adults to make your own decisions. The strong feelings of wanting to be in control of your life. I can do that myself. I'm not a kid anymore. When I juxtapose this with the feelings of helplessness and loss of control, one must feel while being bullied. I really sense the impact that this has on a vulnerable young person who is just coming into a sense of self.
[00:16:30] How do parents and adult help give kids back a sense of their own power?
[00:16:35] Kalyani Pardeshi: My daughter, often I say to her, she, you know, it's. Junior high, there's always friendship drama. And one of her friends texted her at one in the morning thing, you know, I just feel like I don't feel fit in. And you know, she was having a mental breakdown.
[00:16:49] And my daughter, when you saw the message in the morning and she says, you know, mom, this is happening with my friend. And I said to her, what do you want to do about it? And he was, uh, well, you know, maybe we'll do a video call later. I said, okay, what else? And maybe I can have a come over on the weekend. I said, that sounds good.
[00:17:05] You know, we'll work something out. You know, children feel empowered when they're part of the solution and not being told what to do, you know, don't do normal. I dish out solutions to, despite all those knowledge I Bishop solution. But then I take a step back and I say, okay, how do we want to deal with it?
[00:17:24] Marie Sola: Kalani and I talked about bullies wanting to elicit certain types of responses from the people they bully. She also shared with me an instance later in her life when she stopped a known family bully in their tracks with a response that they weren't expecting.
[00:17:40] Kalyani Pardeshi: Believe one to feel powerful. It is a my, it's a control thing.
[00:17:46] So when they start calling you names and they see it affects you, they feel powerful. It getting a reaction from you. And that's what believes. One is like, Oh, I, I had an effect on this person. I am strong. The most important thing to realize in all of this is you are not. What's your beliefs? Call you. You are who you choose to be.
[00:18:08] And I think choose, because if we choose to look at positivity in every situation, we will find it. So if a bully called you a certain name and say, yeah, sure, that's it. You know, I agree with you. Absolutely. That's fine. In the same light spoken about this in my book as well, where a family believe was, uh.
[00:18:28] On my case going on and on because you know, he feels, I'm not raising my children by your standards and his rules and his regulations, and he just went on to tell me that, you know, I don't really care about you and I don't want to see your face. So I said, tell him, you know what? That's awesome to know. I didn't even argue with him.
[00:18:48] I said, you know what? That's wonderful to know. Thank you. And for the first time in all the years that I've known him, and it's more than a decade, he was speechless. He was absolutely dumbstruck. He didn't know what to say. And the 30 seconds he didn't say anything and he continued yelling at me and I hung up the phone because I think of why, if you don't want to see me while you've been talking to me, and that was it.
[00:19:08] That was the end of it. And I did not allow that to affect me because at the end of the day, I know who I am. I know what I want to do with my life and I'm not going to let anyone tell me how to raise my children.
[00:19:20] Marie Sola: An important lesson that Kelly Yani learned during her years of being bullied was that there's always a safe space no matter how difficult the situation in her book Kellyanne, he States there is always a safe Haven.
[00:19:33] No matter how difficult the situation may seem, we need to be able to identify these safe havens and utilize them as much as we can to reach that place emotionally where we feel strong, comfortable, loved, and accepted. I asked Kelly Yanni what her safe space was when she was a girl and why it's so important for someone who's being bullied to find theirs.
[00:19:59] A
[00:19:59] Kalyani Pardeshi: safe space is so necessary for someone who's being bullied because. When you're being bullied, you're automatically in defensive mode. You don't even realize it, but you've, your body physically tenses up. Um. You feel anxiety, your stress, and in that it just, it exhausts you emotionally. So when you're in that safe space, you relax.
[00:20:24] You get to just be, you get to be at peace, which is something you don't get often when you're a victim of bullying. And that feeling of being at peace is what will help with. Doing with the bullies is a place where you know you can be calm, comforted, and loved just as you are and not have to worry. So in my story, my safe space was the laundry room.
[00:20:52] And the reason a laundry room was my safe spaces because I was around adults who weren't teachers. We just people that worked at the school and part of the work for force, but they accepted me as I was, they always had a smile on their face. They didn't mind if I hung around the little that there, because it was a one place where it was okay for me to be me.
[00:21:15] Marie Sola: Between my conversations with Kelly Yani and reading her book, I learned a wealth of information about how to effectively talk with children who are being bullied and to help them get through the situation while helping to empower them. What I also wanted to know was how do we as parents talk to our children from an early age to help prevent them from being the target of bullies or from becoming a bully themselves.
[00:21:41] Her response in keeping with her book was beautiful in both its simplicity and its common sense approach.
[00:21:49] Kalyani Pardeshi: I think the most important thing is open communication. If we start the subject of bullying, it's going to scare the child, especially if they're very young. But if we keep open lines of communication and just talk to our children and let them talk to us and let them come to us with examples, well, you know, this, this person did that and not to other.
[00:22:09] So how would you feel about that? You know, you think it was the right thing, or do you think it was the wrong thing? Why. Instead of saying, Oh, they have these mean people called bullies out there, and you need to be careful and you will not be mean to someone. It becomes a lecturing and they just going to choon out the importance of.
[00:22:26] Open communication is vital. It really doesn't take much. I'll give you an example. I cook meals from scratch every single day and every meal. So what I usually do is I get my kids to pull up chairs into the kitchen and sit and talk to me while I'm making a meal. Or they can help stir this, mix this, add that, and they'll talk about their day, especially on Friday nights.
[00:22:52] My daughter likes to be my DJ and she'll play music and we'll talk about music while I'm cooking. You don't have to take extra time out. To spend with your children. And I can say this with confidence because my day starts at four o'clock in the morning because of the work that I do. I started four o'clock in the morning.
[00:23:11] So it's taking time out for me is not that easy. So I include my children in everything that I do. I find when children have that. Safe space and they can talk to you. It's very unlikely they'll become believed because they're getting that love, that nurturing from you, that nurture good loving behavior.
[00:23:32] Marie Sola: Wrapping up the interview, I asked Kelly, Yani, the burning question of the day, what is the best piece of advice you have for our listeners and the other daughters of change out there? Very
[00:23:45] Kalyani Pardeshi: simply, just be yourself. Everyone else has been taken really and have confidence in being yourself. If you have to change change because it involves personal growth for you, don't change because you want to be like others around you.
[00:24:00] Focus on growing.
[00:24:03] Marie Sola: After meeting Kelly Yanni and reading her book, I wanted to go back in time and be that person that stood up for her, and then I asked myself at that young age, would I have had the courage, I guess I'll never know for sure. However, what I can do is help Kelly Yani spread her message and awareness today by telling her story.
[00:24:28] Thank you for listening to this daughters of change story. If you're interested in getting in touch with Kelly Yani to help her spread the word, to book her for your next event, or to find out how you can purchase her book. Be sure to check out the show notes of this episode. Thanks again for listening.
[00:24:45] See you next time. Take care. .