Marie Sola sits down with Beth Dolloff of the Standard Badge Company to discuss overcoming grief and wearing your badge well and proudly. Beth is changing the conversation and releasing stigma surrounding mental health by speaking about being a survivor of suicide and representing the National Alliance on Mental Illness Speakers Bureau, as well as starting her company Standard Badge after her husband took his life in 2017. Join us and find out how Beth has learned to be attuned to her core values and let them guide her through the most challenging of times.
Marie Sola sits down with Beth Dolloff of the Standard Badge Company to discuss overcoming grief and wearing your badge well and proudly.
Find Beth on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/beth-dolloff-2019/
Beth's company - Standard Badge: https://standardbadge.com/
National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/
[00:00:00] Hi, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of the Daughters of Change podcast. Today we have in the studio with us the fabulous, fantastic, fantabulous. Got a mix of those two words. Beth. Beth, welcome. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, I'm really excited. Beth, we've been talking about doing this for a while and we finally everything aligned the stars, the planets. Yeah. And here we are.
[00:00:30] Welcome to the Daughters of Change podcast. I'm your host. Solar. Each week we'll be bringing you stories from around the globe of the women and girls who are changing the world, each in their own unique way.
[00:00:53] That dollar is changing the conversation and releasing stigma surrounding mental health by speaking about being a survivor of suicide and representing the National Mental Health Alliance Speakers Bureau, as well as starting her company Standard Badge. After her husband took his life in 2017, since then, she has had many opportunities for growth and has learned to be attuned to her core values to guide her through the most challenging of times. Beth has a true love for learning and appreciation for meeting and truly connecting with people. And she continues to do both at every opportunity. Approaching each interaction as a way to serve others in kindness and love. You never know what a difference you are making in a person's life. With just one small act of generosity and grace. Wow, that's beautiful, Beth. I love. That's really, really well said. And you know, I know it hasn't been an easy path, but you're certainly out there making stuff happen. And kudos to you.
[00:01:56] Thank you. It's very intentional on my part. It's become it's become my life. And it's it's a choice that I've made since my life has changed so much since coming here in 2017. Moving to Maine and and having a having a whole new experience as to what my life could be, you know, with a big change. You can open up or you can shut down. And I just chose to open up.
[00:02:26] Yeah. And boy, Beth, I'm watching you just sail. It's really been a it's been a beautiful thing to watch. And I met you when you first came here. You know, we grabbed a cup of coffee and, you know, things were just starting to bubble up for you. And in that short period of time. Boy, you've really gone from a little bit of wind under your wings to flying. And one of the things that you've done is starred and created Standard Badge. So what I'd like to do is just give the listeners a little bit of an overview about what standard badges will come back to it a little bit later and talk about it in more detail, because I'd really love to talk about your journey a little bit more about your journey and how you got here and in what are those those things that have helped to bring you along? You know, because we all have challenges while we're starting something new. And I think sometimes when we meet somebody like you who's already soaring, we don't realize that there might have been some starts and stops along the way or some challenges that you faced as well. So we'll we'll get into all of that. So just a little bit about Standard Badge, and then we're then we're going to get down and dirty and throw the notes away and just just get real and have a conversation. Here's something that Beth wrote about standard badge. Core values are what lead you through the most difficult challenges in life and the way to gain immediate clarity in any situation. By identifying your core values, you can share who you are and what you stand for. What inspires you? What are your deal breakers? What lines can't be crossed? Who are you? We all crave understanding to belong and connect.
[00:04:09] Own your own power. Accept your role. Be vulnerable. True. Authentic and real. Two years ago, my husband lost his life and it could be said that it was mental illness or addictions that killed him. I know better. It was the lack of connection connection to his core values. Don't get lost in the noise. Your music is playing. Listen. Tune in. Share your values with the world. Getting to soul level can be as easy as wearing a t shirt. So with that being said, Beth has some phenomenal t shirts that we're going to get into. More about the sayings on them and what they're all about. But with each and every sale of a standard badge product, we donate 20 percent of the proceeds to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Their work is critical to reducing stigma and creating conversations within the community on how best help love, how to best help, love and support someone you care about who is suffering from a mental illness. So this is all coming full circle and everything you're doing. I mean, you're out there speaking yourself for Naomi, which is the National Association of Mental Illness, and do your work and everything you're doing. So I love the fact that everything you're touching is giving back. It's it's the daughter achange way. Right? So, absolutely. So we will get more into detail about Standard Badge and the products. And obviously, we'll have everything in the show notes so people can find find you and find your Web site. Let's talk a little bit about the journey, Beth, because I know it's been you know, it hasn't always been. Easy. So talk about where you started it, how you're sitting in this chair today, having this conversation with me.
[00:06:01] What where I started was in the darkest, deepest depression and sadness and grief that I had ever thought. I mean, and ever imagined losing a spouse is something that is just shakes your entire world. Everything is different. You know, losing a parent is a is it is a big, big loss. But losing a spouse, it's every single thing that you had known changes overnight. And we had been struggling for such a long time with him, with his mental illness. He had bipolar disorder, which in turn he self-medicated with alcohol and prescription drugs. And so our lives were never stable in any long term way. Stability might be a week or a month, but I'd always had to learn to to make our lives as good as they could be. But it was never it never seemed to be quite good enough to keep everything together. And so we we all kind of suffered through a really long period of darkness and and and hard times before he passed away. And then once he did die, it was a it was shocking how how difficult it was to pull myself out of that place of grief.
[00:07:27] It wasn't completely unexpected that he would commit suicide since he had he had attempted that before. But you just don't you don't know what you don't know. So it's I started at a place of basically, you know, being completely decimated. And I hate to use the word decimated or, you know, destroyed, but I was like an embryo. I was starting over and in every single way. And I had to make intentional choices on what I was going to do with my life and how I wanted to live my life and and what was going to be the most important things to me. But that also included my children and what was going to be most important and significant to them and and to try to create a stable life for them moving forward and giving back and being in service. I've found to be. Probably the most helpful thing that I could possibly do for not only for others but for myself and not knowing that going in. But wow, it just changes everything.
[00:08:41] And so that had been.
[00:08:44] Was there an aha moment that you said, OK, I'm going to go and start giving back and that will make me feel better, was there a catalyst or was it something that just sort of. Unexpectedly, or should I change that word to like a sink synchronicity that something opened up in front of you and you stepped into it and then it brought you on your path?
[00:09:03] I think that I had been. I had gone to a Tony Robbins event before my husband passed away right before at EPW in in New York.
[00:09:15] And then I also went a few months after he died. To another one. And. It's a really it's a time where you can really look inside yourself and see what's important to you. And we don't take the time to do that. I mean, there's just two main distractions. And so being able to just get inside of your head and and release the things that that you thought you were true about yourself and are no longer true or are complete lies, that if somebody is put there for you to internalize and take with you on your journey.
[00:10:00] And then I was just you know, I learned about core values so much during those those events. And I thought, why are we not teaching our children about their core values? Why do I. Why do I not know this? Why is this not something? Because it's so simple. How you can know if you're not in alignment with your core values, you're not gonna be happy. It's the simplest thing. So. If you take the time to think about what's really important to you and look at it and say, am I doing this? Am I making this happen? Is this. Is this part of my life right now? And if it's not, how can I change it to make it part of my life? Or how can I bring this into my universe? That's going to open you up to so many things that you didn't even realize were waiting for you because you're in alignment with what you really, truly believe and want in your heart, not what someone else has told you you want and not what someone else else's or not. Maybe even something that you've grown into that you don't even realize that you've become this other person. You know, we start our lives with, you know, when we're kids, they say, what do you want to be when you grow up and cash? It's the world is full of endless possibilities. I could be whatever I want. Right. And then after you go through life for a while, you kind of become. You don't it seems a lot of people don't become what they thought they were going to be. Or they don't reach out, reach their full potential because of roadblocks or circumstance or or what their belief system has become over the years because of hurt or disappointments or loss. And and you can change all of that. You just have to decide. And so deciding to change that has made all the difference in my life.
[00:11:56] And it's it's scary when you decide to change it to a certain extent. And also, I think everybody sort of has their own threshold for. I don't if you want to call it risk, but. But thinking outside of the boundaries of what we've been told is the way to live our lives. Right. So, yes, you and I had a really good conversation about this the other day, about deciding that you're going to just go out there and do that thing that is inside of you, that core those core values, and follow those and start maybe following, you know, the lies you've been told about the way you have to live your life. You know, inside of this very linear box of, you know, you you do this, you work here for you know, you never you you don't take risk. Right. Because you have to be responsible. Right. But but you have to be responsible to yourself. And if you're not being true to your core values, you're always going to have that dissident's in between. It's going to be really hard to be happy.
[00:12:58] Absolutely. Absolutely. And I saw my husband struggling with his work. He wasn't happy with his work. And and he didn't feel like he could do anything else or make a change that would be OK for him and for the family to do. And so. Gosh, I wish he had you know, I wish he had done that. But I want. That's why I just want people to be happy. And in following your bliss, whatever that is, shouldn't involve other people's expectations of of what what you should be doing with your life, because life is short. And if there's anybody who's found that out, that's me living that losing somebody like that. Wow. It's a it's a real eye opener. And and I look at life in a much different way than probably a lot of people do because of that loss. I think everything should be fun. I don't think that there should be. There should be a difficult thing. Like, you know, doing even the mundane tasks of life can be fun. It doesn't have to be a struggle. It doesn't have to be difficult. And it doesn't have to be full of fear because what are we afraid of? You know, we're all going to die.
[00:14:22] Yeah, basically. I mean, we're not getting out of it, right? We're not. It lets somebody has a father, a youth out there that you don't know, which I don't think I want right now. I'd rather have a couple lessons and get arrested between. But seriously, I mean, we are going we were we're all going to die. We are not escaping it. No, this is this is our taxes. Yeah, this is too long.
[00:14:42] No, this is a finite thing that we have called life and. What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? Well, I just don't understand it, people are so complacent in their and their lives and they're not happy and they're not doing what they love and they're not making a difference and they're not pushing themselves in any way whatsoever. And it's painful to watch. And I would rather fail in a really big way than live in an a small, tiny way and not ever try to do something fantastic or love the most that I possibly can or be the best parent that I possibly can or anything that I want to do.
[00:15:32] I want to do it as big as possible because it's just. Why not? I just don't understand that the limitations that we place upon ourselves are devastating in the long run. They really are these these stories we tell ourselves about what we can and cannot do. That's just a story, you know, but a belief is a powerful thing. And so whatever you believe is true is true. Yeah. If you believe you can do it, you can do it. You can do it. You want you believe you can start a podcast? Absolutely. You can you believe you can start a company. Absolutely you can. If you tell yourself you can do it, you can do it. There's just no way around it. And you won't stop until you do, because desire is what's pushing you. And that desire is something that is internal. It's not external. So you have to have that desire within you to make that happen. No one can make it happen for you.
[00:16:25] You know, it's really funny, as you were saying that I was thinking, where is it along the way?
[00:16:31] And maybe it's the puritanical roots of of at least this country. I can't speak for every country, but where did we decide that fun and responsibility or enjoyment and responsibility and work are separate things? You know, it's almost like I think it's maybe Esther Hicks or somebody that talks about, you know, this very thing, follow, you know, follow your passion. Everything will work out if you're just awake and thinking, you know, and moving it forward, not fearing everything. And I'm totally paraphrasing everything that Esther says or I should say Abraham says. But she talks about how we build statues for the people that suffered the most. It's like, OK. You know, I created this company, but I worked 35 hours a day, even though there's only 24 hours. And I never saw my children and I never saw my wife. And, you know, everything fell that fell to pieces. But I built this company. But where is that message that. You know what? Maybe you were doing all that, but you were enjoying the hell out of it along the way. And you were you were figuring out ways to build everything in everybody into it.
[00:17:41] So we have this.
[00:17:44] This misnomer of of that work can't be fun. And if it's fun, it's not work. And as you said, have fun no matter what you do, even the most mundane things. So it's like, okay. We're talking about raking leaves right. With your kids. Right. Having a lot of fun doing that rather than, damn, we get to go out and rake the leaves. You know, it's a chore. Well, you know, it doesn't mean that you're not responsible if you're enjoying yourself or having fun. It's it's really funny the way funny. Ha-Ha having fun with this, though, the confines that are put around us in that we allow to have put around ourselves.
[00:18:16] Sure. And like it like raking leaves. I look at that as an opportunity to connect. Right. So my daughter and I get to spend some time together. We get to talk about things just like and when I'm picking her up or or dropping her off at school. I get to really talk to her and see how her day was and find out what's happening with her. That's really important as a parent to be able to connect with your kid in that way. And there's not a lot of quiet time and there's not a lot time. We we don't have a device in front of us or something like that. So there's an opportunity in everything that you're doing. It's just it just is. But you have to you have to be open to it and look for it. And if you shut down and say there's no opportunity here before you even start or this is going to be terrible before you even start, where do you got to go from there?
[00:19:04] It's a choice. It's actually a choice we make and it's a conscious choice. And, you know, I saw the stat and heard the stat recently from a couple of different people that we live like 40 to 90 percent of our lives unconsciously. And so even if we just average it out, say it's like, I don't know, 55 percent.
[00:19:23] That's a big part of your day or your life to be going around without having intention to it conscious intention. And and you make that choice.
[00:19:35] It's like I have to do OK. There's something that needs to be done. So I can I can choose how I respond to this, how I deal with it, how I react to it and. How I enjoy it or or or what story I tell, what story, what you said, what story I told myself about it, right.
[00:19:51] Right. Right. Yeah. It's like well, like I said before, it's about like the belief of what. What a thing is. That's exactly what it is. If like if you believe that I'm a bad person, well, then I am a bad faith. If you believe that the moon is made of green cheese, then it is because it's your belief in the core beliefs are. I mean, something that like religion. Those are. That's all beliefs, right? It's just a belief. But you might believe differently than I do and I believe differently than you do. But it's something that carries you through your entire life. Right. And it puts you on one path or another path. But it's just a belief. Yeah. And it's so interesting to see if I was born and Afghanistan or Israel or and not here to, you know, in a white middle class family in Wisconsin. How would my life be? What would I believe? Who? How? How would I choose to live my life? It would be a very different path for me, probably. But it's interesting to think about that. Like where you come from and and how you are going to accept or not accept what you've been born into and how you want to change things. And I feel like. We all like the conscious choice of deciding how you're going to live your life.
[00:21:15] You can do that right now. You can make that choice. I'm no longer going to what I'm no longer going to accept. What I am going to change. What I'm going to do moving forward and then. Writing things down and making it a concrete thing, just not just a just a thought, making it an actual intentional thing that you're writing down, you can look back to it. You can even put in a sticky note on your mirror in the morning and say, today I am going to go out and do the best I can do because I want to help others. I want to serve. I want to love. I want to show kindness. Whatever super important to you. But it in front, you see you see it every day. Don't forget about what you're what you're here for on this earth, and that might be your core values you put on the mirror. It reminds you of what's what you're really trying to do here. And if you live in those core values and live with your beliefs as part of your everyday life, things will change amazingly well for you and change in a way that you just. You just look around ago. Is this is the sexual real thing? Yeah, because it does things just fall into alignment.
[00:22:35] They do. And the people that come into your path have similar core values. And I've found that big time since I started Daughters of Change. I mean, it just kind of opened it up, you know, put it out there. Right. This these are the types of people I want to meet, the types of women. And, you know, there's men to honourary daughter to change. But these are the types of people I want to surround myself with. And interestingly enough, I actually before I left my job and changed, took a drastic change in my life. I went through a course called Core Themes, and I was looking for executive help, you know, job search. And and what is it that you want to do and try to figure out what my next move was going to be in him out there looking at coaches. And and I come across as core themes process, and I was thinking I was going to find it. You know, outside of me. But it was actually right here, my backyard. So the very thing we worked on was identifying my core themes, because without those core themes, it didn't matter what job I did. If I wasn't meeting those core themes, I was not going to be happy. And those core themes carry over from your from your personal life to your work life.
[00:23:39] You know, I want to be of service. Well, that doesn't mean that your whole job is of service, but you have to have some aspect of that that you're able to give back Itani. It was really important for me, which is why I ultimately decided to start my own company. You know, in a way, I always had jobs where I was in sales or working virtually because, you know, we all have those core themes and it's it's so great to hear you talking about them. One of the things. That. Has become a core theme for you is the service and giving back and giving back around something that you experience S10 And interested. One of the things I found really powerful is you were talking about wanting to normalize the conversations around mental health and around suicide because you mentioned that, you know, as you were going through this, you really didn't have anybody you could talk to. Even with family members, people weren't comfortable talking about it. So this whole idea of normalizing the conversation I think is so, so important. And to talk a little bit about where that light bulb went off for you, that this is this is something that I feel, you know, personally having been through it, that's important to go out and talk to people about.
[00:24:56] I think the light bulb moment for me is when my. In-laws decided to tell other the other people that he died of heart attack. Instead of telling people that he died of suicide because they didn't want to talk about it and they didn't want to have questions about it and they didn't want to open themselves to a conversation that might be painful. But I have found in my in my life and in my work that the only way to go to get through something is to go directly through it.
[00:25:33] You can't go around it. You can't go over it or under it. You just have to go through. And that's painful. And people will do anything to avoid pain. It's it's human nature to to want to avoid pain. But it's part of it's part of the process of grieving and also of growing growth. Growth is painful, but getting to that next level. Is probably going to be a little painful. It's just part of the process. And that's because you're changing and becoming something else, so. Talking about suicide and talking about mental health. It there's such a stigma still around mental health.
[00:26:16] When when my husband was ill, he didn't have anybody to talk to about it. And for his friends is what I'm saying. Confidence that he felt like he could actually tell what was going on. I was the only person who really knew what was happening. And that's a large a large thing to be carrying around and to have to deal with. On my own. Because then I was also not able to seek support from those people because they didn't know and he didn't want to talk about it because he felt like that was a sign of weakness. And the strongest thing you can do is ask for help. I mean, we all want to keep the people that we love here and they want to be here. They do. Nobody wants to feel like that. And so I just think that if especially men start talking about mental health and suicide right now, the suicide rates for middle aged men are the highest of any of any category. So they are really looking for connection and they don't have it yet. And to be able to speak about mental health and and suicide awareness and what we can do to help the men in our lives, the women in our lives, the children in our lives that are are thinking about. That there are they would be better off to be not here. We can. We can change that conversation and there are resources for them to reach out for help if they want it.
[00:27:47] And do you feel for you that I'm not saying it would have necessarily changed your husband's trajectory or not? I guess we'll never know. For you would. It sounds like it would have been so much more comforting if you could have had the conversations with somebody. Right, you know, round what you were feeling and what was going on. Do you feel like for your personal journey that would have I mean, I'm you're doing it now for sure. But that that period of time when you didn't have that, would it have made a difference for you personally?
[00:28:21] I don't think for me so much because I did. I did speak about to my friends. OK. So you did have somebody. Absolutely. I mean, my friends in my family knew what was happening. Because I. There's just no way.
[00:28:34] Yeah. See that be a hard thing to be carrying without having an outlet.
[00:28:38] Absolutely. Absolutely. It's like just like any long term chronic illness, you need support. And you're in you're a caregiver. And being a caregiver is the hardest job. And when somebody has been sick for, you know, 25 years, that's a long time. Right. So were you. Are you absolutely need to get help. And and search and search out people that you can speak to. If you're not currently doing so and ask for help. That's hard. That was that's hard for me. It's been hard for me to ask for help. But I've come to realize that people want to do that. You know, that's part of of being. Being in a community and being connected to people. Yeah. They really want to help you. And so you ask for help in a way. And if you don't get it from the person you ask, ask somebody else and ask somebody else and don't give up because some person might not understand what you're saying and they might not be on that same path with you, on that same level with you, or have the empathy that that you might need in that situation. Contact a friend that you want to talk to. You go on a chat line. There's so many resources for you to be able to. Find somebody who's been through or is going through the same kind of thing that you are.
[00:30:04] So that connection community, it's so important. It really is. And you I know you speak for NAMI, the National Association of Mental Health. Is is that is that a good resource or did you find any resources? Obviously, you know, friends and people around your community, which may vary depending on where you are listening to this today. But were there a couple of resources that you found were more helpful than others? Or is it just you just kind of got out there and and found whatever seemed to work for me?
[00:30:39] It would just seem to be more of a personal journey, meaning I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to read a lot of books. I wanted to dig deep into how I was feeling. I wanted to think about things. I wanted to process things. I just wanted to see who I really was because I had lost that in so many ways. So I more internalized what I was going through. I have of course, I went to counseling. I also, you know, have seen a therapist. Of course. I mean, my children have. I think if you can go to therapy, I would recommend that because you really do need a nonjudgmental support system, somebody that can just listen to you. And that's. And then then with a friend or family member, that may not be the case. So a therapist is always a good resource for that. There's also Facebook groups for everything that you could possibly want under the sun. I'm part of widows and widowers groups and people will vent on there about things that they're going through because other people just don't understand and that that's that's community and that's connection. And that's something that you can get on the Internet now. Thank goodness that that's available for people that aren't maybe necessarily in a metropolitan area. And even in a big metropolitan area, there might not be the resources for something specific that you might need. But you can always reach out to contacts on the Internet to see if there's resources available.
[00:32:13] You know, it's also it it sounds like you have really good conversations with your children, too, around this, because it would seem that that would be really important for the adult to be able to have the conversation with the children in the family, whether it's for mental illness, it's for suicide, whatever those cases are, because children are trying to understand this. So were you able to always talk with them about it or any tips for, you know, people out there listening that might be going through a similar thing and have kids and trying to figure out like how do they broach this with their children or how much just should they talk to them about it?
[00:32:52] I think first you should talk to a therapist about what's what's the best thing to do in your children? Because I'm certainly not one. Right. But I would say that at a certain point and in your children's life, they they need to know what's happening because otherwise they they make assumptions about what's happening and they may assume something that's completely untrue. So I think it's always important to be clear about what's happening, but to be kind about it, to not put blame on someone else because of an illness or an addiction or whatever else, you know, they might be calling through to try to support that person as much as possible. Kids want to help, but they do know what's with something's not right.
[00:33:42] Yeah, they sense. Of course. Yeah.
[00:33:44] Even at a young age, it's amazing how much kids are like sponges. There's just no doubt. And they come up with these zingers sometimes it's like. Yeah, like these really astute observations, even a little. What did you just like? They really are absorbing so much more than we give them credit for.
[00:34:00] Yes. And in my kids, you know, living in a household where you weren't sure, you know, what was gonna be happening when you walked in the door every day. That's stressful. And and that stress has definitely shown itself in myself and my kids. It's something that we've had to learn a new normal now because that that's not how it works anymore. But it's it's different. And you go to your emotional home, that might be the place that you have always been in. And you think that's where I live? That's my emotional place. I'm at my place of being afraid or thinking, you know, when is the other shoe going to drop or is my dad going to end up in the hospital or is it? Is there gonna be a fight between my parents or, you know, all of these anxieties of what was continues to kind of bubble up into what is now. And and that takes time to kind of process that and to be able to move forward.
[00:35:08] First, you have to be willing to actually say that there is something going on. Right.
[00:35:14] Right. So that's a first step. That's the first step. And and I think if that's what was kind of what I think was probably the hardest thing for me and my kids is that even though my husband would, you know, go to counseling or go see the doctor or there really wasn't a conversation about that with him, because he just could not accept what was happening. He couldn't accept that he had this problem and he couldn't accept that he was anything less than what he wanted to be at that moment. And we you know, we all have our illnesses and weaknesses and and ah. And are definitely. For me, a deficit would be, you know, math.
[00:36:05] Let's. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You do that deficit roll. It's real. I'm just just not a math person.
[00:36:12] So I mean, but I own that. It's just it's just what it is. Or I might not be able to do some I might but not be a great speller. Whatever it is. I'm willing to say. That's how it is. And I'm I'm OK with that. And and we're just going to work around it. But it was never really talked about in a way where the whole family was involved. And so it was a lot of them, you know, talking about things after they occurred or, you know, with this needs we need to leave dad alone right now or, you know, sending the kids to another person's house because things weren't great at our house. So if you're trying to mitigate risk in every possible way for your for your family, that's a tough, tough place to live. Yeah.
[00:37:02] And it seems, you know, there are there are certain certain things that we tell different genders. Right. And, you know, girls are taught to be risk adverse. And, um. But on the flip side, for guys, they're, you know, admitting weakness or or lack of strength is so like it's it's self. Frowned upon in packaged into this, this box is probably just as tough to live in for men as some of the things that have been said to women that we're now pushing against. Right. So the ability to to feel okay, to admit a weakness or to be able to emote something's going on or to talk to your guy friends. I mean, my women friends, man, without them, you know, I wouldn't have gotten through a lot of stuff. And I'm blessed to have that in my life. You need them. But even my husband, who's a really personal, personable guy and has friends, he goes, I just don't do that with my friends. And he actually admires that. He sees me doing that with the women in my life and the women calling me when they have a problem. But that, you know, when you were talking about that, it was hard for your husband to to admit that something was wrong. I mean, we really we make it really tough for guys to admit that something is wrong like that. We personally, you and I decide society. Let me. Yeah, let me rephrase that. Society.
[00:38:31] Let me just say, I think vulnerability is the sexiest thing right. Ever. Let's just start with that. I mean, if you are that guy. Yeah, he's honorable. It's sexy. It's so sexy. It is. Oh, my gosh. It totally is. It's the best.
[00:38:47] So but I would recommend to any man that Lewis Howes book The Mask of Masculinity. Oh, my gosh. Wow. I'm good. I'm getting goose bumps. It's a fantastic. Not long, but very direct read. He was a pro football player. He was sexually abused as a child. And he is he's a man's man, but he breaks it down for you. And if anybody can. It can take take that into the different masks that men put on for society and why they put them on and what that does to you. You know. You should be able to be authentic, you know. And that's part of your core values if you're not being able to be authentic. Why? What? What is stopping you from doing that? What is the fear? There's always a fear. Right. We're talking about fear. The other day. Fear is the greatest deterrent to doing anything. Yeah. And. And why?
[00:39:48] Well, I think at the time, we don't even know why we're afraid. You know, if you have to stop and think about it, I think a lot of times. I mean, you know, there certain things, OK, if I jump out of that plane, I'm going to be afraid that I smash on the ground. That's OK that I get that. But a lot of things that we really don't have. It's not that cut and dried or that black and white. It's actually beliefs. It's things that society have told us. It's it's fear of disappointing people. It's fear of looking strange or different from others. Right. So or a failure. And those are things that you have to self-examine to. As you said, you have to stop and think like, why am I? Is this even really fear? Is it. It's fear. But it is something really bad going to happen. Is this really fight or flight or is it merely me brushing up or pushing up against a boundary that somebody else is put there for me or I swear for myself?
[00:40:42] Yeah. Of growth, you know, which is the art, which is painful and difficult and hard to do. Like when I started speaking for NAMI, I I had thought, you know, maybe I'll join Toastmasters or something. You know, I wanted to learn how to speak in front of people. And because I thought this was really important for me to talk about. And I thought, you know, I'll just join the speakers bureau and then I'll learn how to speak in front of people. It was trial by fire. You know, there was no, oh, I'm going to plan this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to, you know, go through all these different processes. I was just gonna go and do it. And if I was a complete failure at it. What if you don't die?
[00:41:24] I mean, literally, if you don't die, what's the worst thing it's going to happen now?
[00:41:27] I mean, really, it's silly to think about all these things that we're worried about. It's all about your ego.
[00:41:33] Yeah, it really. Yeah, that's that's really true. There's nothing on the day. Yeah. That you're at the end of the day. So we need it. We need a new a new Freudian message about ego. I think you know the what if the 20 what are we the 21st century. It just doesn't serve whatever. Yeah it does.
[00:41:51] Your ego doesn't serve you at all. It protects it protects those things about you that you think that other people think about you when they're really down even thinking about you.
[00:42:00] Yeah. Because they don't they sell. You're exactly what's good about themselves. They think about their egos. Exactly right.
[00:42:06] Nobody actually really cares what you're wearing, how you look, what you're doing, who you're sleeping with. Nobody really cares.
[00:42:15] They really and if they care their print board, they have no life.
[00:42:19] Right. I mean, like. And who cares if they care? Well, then there's that.
[00:42:22] That's actually I think that's even at the heart of it. Who cares? You know, slugger's you're not. Going out of your way to hurt somebody or harm somebody, that most of that, you know, 99 percent of the day to day we do, nobody else is paying that much attention. And if they are, who cares?
[00:42:39] Yeah, because they're not doing anything anyway. Exactly. Exactly. So this is what did just come back for a minute to standard band.
[00:42:48] So you move to aim. You don't know a soul. You're working through a really, as you said, the most insurmountable grief you've ever been through. Yeah. You're also have your kids working through this. And you come here, you immediately start connecting with people and you start Standard Badge, which is so cool. So I want to before we wrap up, I really want to give some kudos to Standard Badge because I love the products shirt you have out there. I love the photography and the way that you promote it as of Africa. I remember calling. Going. Are you a branding expert? I just I loved the way that you put it out there. So I read I read about state badge war from the standpoint of the purpose of standard badge and the values. But let's tell the listeners exactly what standard badge is all about.
[00:43:41] Standard Badge is is what I had created in my mind as a way of people connecting with one another. So you can go on the website. You can pick a T-shirt with your core value, your top core value, whatever that is, and wear it and start a conversation with somebody about why that's important to you. And it really gets down to the nitty gritty of who you are. And so you can put it on a hat, t shirt, sweat shirt and wear it around and just kind of promote what's the most important to you? What's your standard is what your core value is, how you want to live your life. And I think that anything that we can do to foster connection is is good. And if a T-shirt does it, fantastic. If if a Web site does it, that's great, too. But this is just my little bit of trying to get people to connect on a deeper level in their day to day interactions.
[00:44:44] So it's a badge that you're wearing that's a core value icebreaker.
[00:44:51] Yes. Get conversation started. Yes. Yes. And I think it's been really, really fun to see people wearing the shirts and the Iraq with the reactions they're getting from their friends and their family and from strangers. And I think it also has been for me, I see people purchasing something that will remind them like it, like the sticky note. Right. That gives some strength. Then when they're feeling weak, that gives them a sense of purpose when they're not really in a place where they're and they're not quite there yet, but they're going towards that. So it's a it's a really great way for to remind themselves even of what they want for their lives.
[00:45:35] And they in 20 percent of everything goes to toonami, which is. Yes, the National Association of Mental Illness. And so 20 percent of all of your your net goes to. Yes. To support that. So, again, right. From. From the value of why you're doing this, the purpose of why you're doing this. The product itself is giving back because it's helping people to start these conversations into to feel good about who they are and where they're going. And then at the end, you're giving money back. And I just I love that conscious capitalist model. I love it. You know, it's social enterprise all the way down. A couple questions for you. OK. Beth, that I'd like to ask all of the daughters of change that are sitting here in your chair right now. One is, can you think of a time or a specific situation where you faced a challenge along the way or felt vulnerable? Because as I said at the beginning, I think sometimes when people, you know, hear somebody that's gotten to the point that you're at. And they're sitting maybe they're just starting out. It feels like, well, I'm not going to get there. I have to wait till I'm already at that point before I get started. But we all we all face some vulnerabilities or some challenges. What would be one that you think would be beneficial for people to hear about how you overcame it?
[00:47:03] I think really the place of grief that I was in, just getting up and getting out the door every day and interacting with other people. And even now, to be honest, every day that I get out, I feel better. Getting out, connecting with people.
[00:47:23] Even in the smallest way, when you're checking out at the grocery store, when you're going through the drive through. And in doing little acts of kindness for people while you're do. And while you're out in the big, big world. Oh, my gosh, it's so great. Or seeing a child they know and connecting in that way or seeing a dog just getting out of your head. And into the world. We'll help you tremendously.
[00:47:49] I like that. I love random acts of kindness and those little micro random match of kindness, right. It could be just letting somebody into traffic. Absolute right. So it's like it doesn't mean you have to go and give somebody a million dollars. I mean, that's cool, too. If you want to do that, that's fine. Actually, if you want to bethat I add the other. OK. The other question, what is your best piece of advice, Jessi?
[00:48:14] Whether it's life, whether it's around business, but the best piece of advice that you'd like to offer up to the Daughters of Chage, they're out there listening today that there's going to be if there hasn't already be a time in your life where you're really afraid it could be because of a loss, it could be because of a disappointment in your life. And you you might not be sure how you're going to move forward, but she know that you need to move forward. And this this is really an opportunity for you. This is the opportunity you've been waiting for. Right. This is the time where you can go out and. Change your beliefs and make your life whatever you want it to be, it's time to be vulnerable. It's time to do your work to decide what's important to you. Find your passion and go all in. No matter if it's a relationship or a job or whatever it is that makes you happy. Just just go all in. And then you won't have any regrets.
[00:49:14] Beautifully said. Thank you. Now.
[00:49:17] Also, as a as important at least for the mission of what I'm trying to do here with Daughters of Change is how do we connect and support you.
[00:49:27] Supporting me would really be to be talking with one another about mental health. To talking to your friends, if you own a business, to speak to your employees about the fact that they won't be penalized if they need to take a mental health day to be able to encourage your friends and family members and partners to ask for help when they need it.
[00:49:55] Because we all need help sometimes just part of life. And it helps people more than you will ever know to just ask them what they need and how you can support them. And then also if you need help to ask for it and to remember that there's there's going to be somebody there for you. It might not be the person you think it is. It might not be that person that you had counted on. But somebody else is going to come in and fill that place. I can guarantee it. It's just the way the world works. So ask for help. Would you need it and be vulnerable and and just keep talking about mental health with one another and give back.
[00:50:40] When can.
[00:50:44] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the Daughters of Change podcast. To learn more about today's guest or any of our previous guests, you can visit. Daughters of Change dot com forward slash podcast. You can connect with Daughters of Change on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram by searching those platforms for Daughters of Change. If you are a daughter of change yourself and would like to appear on the show, send me an email at Marae at. Daughters of Change dot com. Thanks again for taking the time to listen today.
[00:51:16] Take care.